Monday, December 12, 2011

Cartoon - Calling Out

Though I don't drink anymore, Danny Coyle's is my favorite pub, located in San Francisco. I've made some friends there, and they are always happy to see me. My best buddy from high school, Erik, introduced me to this place. They'll be putting some of my cartoons up there, I think. If you're even in SF, drop on by and tell them I said "Hello". CM Evans Cartoons

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Cartoon - Lifejackets

Chung Tzu Can Tell

"Inside it looks like Paris, France, the weather outside like Palm Springs, and the yard looks like the lawn just got cut. Who cut the lawn?" I ask Chung Tzu.

"Well, I know by the way you're asking me, you certainly didn't!" remarks Chung Tzu, and he laughs.


Cicero and Bicycles / Cicero und Fahrräder

Cicero said, "To philosophize is to learn how to die." And I said, "And you can learn how to ride a bicycle, too!" And Cicero turned around and gave me a good long stare. Ahem.


Cicero sagte: "Philosophieren ist zu lernen, wie man stirbt." Und ich sagte: "Und Sie können lernen, wie man Fahrrad fährt, too!" Und Cicero drehte sich um und gab mir eine gute lange anzustarren. Ähem.

Friday, December 02, 2011

Cartoon - 3rd Leg

For anyone new to this site, just kidding about having a 3rd leg, and my week going to shit. I had a good week. Took some punches, but it all ends up they way it should be. This weekend will be good. Now I can really, clearly imagine a French philosopher I've been reading about on a day like this, watching people mowing the grass outside his window. The philosopher recommended to "...skim lightly over the surface..." of life by being rigorously observant to the smallest trivial details we normally dismiss as mundane. I find this to be a good way to live. So keep your eyes open, and possibly write about what you see inside and out. If you grow a 3rd leg, write about that. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Cartoon - Mask Mask

I'm happy to report you can get all kinds of cool stuff in Vista, CA. Real genuine articles for those people on your list that seem to have everything. Take this for instance: Some kind of spooky 'traditional Indian' deer-hunting mask. It certainty screams 'private ceremony' or 'secret initiation'. Heavily stitched from pieces of raw black leather, possibly scavenged from an old motorcycle jacket or road-kill corpse -- it looks like a executioners hood crossed with a satanic stag. The eyeholes see pretty good, but the mouth-hole I believe is purely for show, so don't go running for miles and miles in the dark, or you'll hyperventilate. It has a funny earthy smell, too, but some enjoy this scent. Bonus: the severed antlers are real & attached firmly to the crown of the mask. I'm sure you could get this one for a very reasonable price, and they may throw a flint knife in for free. Or possibly they'd add some socks at a discount, if you want to be really stealthy, sneaking up on people from behind. Happy Holidays! CM Evans Cartoons

Monday, November 14, 2011

Cartoon - Looking at Some Big Long Ones

I was thinking about Lorenzo de' Medici today, I do this occasionally -- it is a natural segue to go to, when considering the intricacies and meditations of American Baseball how far the bases are set apart -- 90 feet exactly. Or, how this is a game where the players can commit 'errors'. Many serious historians of the Renaissance note that Lorenzo was an avid played of Baac'ba, an early precursor of games like Cricket and Soccer (note: Football, for the continental types reading this US post). Baac'ba being a modified 'chase and toss' game imported by Arab traders from the Indus Valley. Philip III of Spain also comes in here -- he was fond of a game called "Baacebal", attributed by the renown baseball historian Walt Swisserson as being one of the precursors of the American game, so I think we are getting at the same thing. Now where was I going with this? I think I am done.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Cartoon - Laptop

Took a 4-day trip to NYC, and I just got back. Weather was gorgeous, not too cold at all. Covered Wall Street/ Lower Manhattan, Lower East Side, East Side, Gramercy Park, Midtown, Tribeca, Chinatown, and even got up to Morningside Heights to see Grant's Tomb. Too much to list, all the people and things I saw. I'll be back to the city again, hopefully in August. CM Evans Cartoons

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Cartoon - Pot Luck

I get invited to a lot of 'pot luck' events, these days. I chalk it up to karma -- the result of the accumulation of all my virtuous and non-virtuous deeds in innumerable past lifetimes. At least, this is what I tell my auto-mechanic when he asks why I go to so many 'pot luck' gatherings. And my mechanic is Italian, or Filipino, and he didn't ask me. I got the clutch changed on my truck, and I got a good walk in, going back to the house. I had to get something for the next 'pot luck' celebration, so I stopped at a Taqueria run by Welsh people, called "Alimentos de La Tierra de Las Rocas y La Hierba #VI" and I got some Sheppard's Pies con Carne. As I walked the rest if the way home, I tired to figure out for me if I was more Northern Italian, German, or Welsh myself. I mean, if my DNA had to fight itself, and have one ethnicity win out for representation, which would it be? When I got home, I decided I'm so 'pot luck' internally, in a boisterous 'pot luck' culture, with so many other lucky 'pot luck' people, life has turned into one big 'pot luck' for me. CM Evans Cartoons

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Cartoon - This Could Be / Translation Carnival

I just got back from camping at the beach this weekend. A good time was had by all. And now this, for everyone's enjoyment. What more can I say? What is more satisfying than a blank billboard, or two frozen treats having sex? CM Evans Cartoons

And now for our semi-regular GoogleMistranslates Carnival:

--- --

Ich bin gerade vom Campingplatz am Strand an diesem Wochenende. Eine gute Zeit hatten alle. Und nun dies, für jeden Genuss. Was kann ich mehr sagen? Was ist befriedigender als eine leere Plakatwand, oder zwei gefrorene Leckereien Sex?

ką tik grįžo kempingas paplūdimyje šį savaitgalį. Geras laikas buvo turėjo visi. Ir dabar, visiems naudotis. daugiau galiu pasakyti? Kas yra labiau patenkinti nei tuščią lentos, arba dvi šaldytos gydo lyties?

میں صرف کیمپنگ سے ساحل سمندر میں اس ہفتے کے آخر میں واپس مل گیا. ایک اچھا وقت سب کی طرف سے تھا. اور اب یہ سب لطف اندوزی کے لئے. میں اور کیا کہہ سکتے ہیں؟ بل بورڈ کے ایک خالی، یا دو منجمد کا علاج کرتا ہے جنسی تعلقات سے زیادہ تسلی بخش ہے؟

Friday, October 21, 2011

News - CM Evans Cartoons at Marguerite Avenue

Some of my cartoons are part of a memoir "Hamlet, I Wish I Knew You", by J.S. Breukelaar, over at Marguerite Avenue, an online magazine of the Arts. My work is appearing often over there, so please check it out! If you know of any creative-types who are looking to get their work published, tell them about Marguerite Avenue, and submit.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Cartoon - Schopenhauer

See how my mind works? I see a painting of the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, and I think, "Hey! He needs to be smiling more. And I think he needs a candle, and a drink! And he needs ALL his hand written notes from the last few months! And these papers have to piled high all around him! And this all makes him EVEN HAPPIER! So I draw this up lickety-split, ignoring everything else, like getting my truck fixed, or calling the bank. CM Evans Cartoons

Friday, October 14, 2011

Cartoon - Plywood

It's cool! I imagine arguments between fictitious people, who are experts about things I know nothing about, and then I draw cartoons about them. Then I have no time to argue with real people, who are experts in real things, which I know nothing about.

And by the way, I still know more about plywood than you do -- like in a million, trillion, years. Sorry. CM Evans Cartoons

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Cartoon - Romeo and Juliet

I think social media has changed everything nowadays, so the past dramas are basically unrecognizable, plot-wise, and things like Shakespeare could use a very good & vigorous updating. I'd write more about this, but let us all consider carefully, before whatever else happens. I'll also admit, frankly, that 14 ton blocks have nothing to do with what I'm suggesting here -- I threw that one in (literally and figuratively) because 14 ton blocks are funny when the fall on unsuspecting people. Monty Python proved this over and over again. I looked for a company in China that makes 14 ton blocks, and there are a few, but for the cost of shipping, it isn't worth it. So when you look at my cartoon, note that this is a 'domestically manufactured' Italian 14 ton block, made from local sands and gravels found in and about the town of Verona. CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Cartoon - Trouble

No it really is stuck, and it isn't funny, and you can stop laughing, and pick up the cookies and tea you spilled all over the floor. And you can stop laughing more, rolling around the floor, jostling me and making it worse -- and everyone does not need to find out about this 'right this instant' on twitter, FaceBook, and other online places where people gather. Oh gee. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cartoon - MOUSE

They say if I'm very savvy**, and I want to capture an audience, I should blog 1500 words per day. I should pick topics. Like Leprechaun Facts. I never know which post will be popular. So I've given up on trying to make sense of it. Joe Bowling of Laguna Beach, CA dresses like a mouse every day. Why do I expect him to do otherwise? CM Evans Cartoons

**Joe, my Afrikaanse boer pal vertel my hierdie storie oor 'n wilde koei en' n berg: Die koei kon nie uitwerk hoe lank die boom by die basis van die eerste heuwel was, die dorings op die Suid-kant te vermy, vir die seëningevan die land geeste.Wanneer die lug is blou, die boom verskyn te word blou.Wanneer die lug is grys, die boom verskyn grys moet wees.Die boom verskyn het niks, maar die koei, die koei.Die boom verskyn te anythung maar die boer, die boer.Beide die koei en die boer het gekrap en kon nie sien nie die boom by die basis van die eerste heuwel.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Cartoon - Holdover

Ahhhh! Attempting to fix one's problems through examples set forth by Greek Mythology, or by employing brute, savage force. I have a soft spot for Mr. Hercules, and his refreshingly direct way at thinking. He made that lion skin work. He could unlock doors with a club. He could wrassle, punch, shoot a bow into the sun, and give good accounting in a set-to. Proto-Superman, a hero before comic-books were comics. Big man in the days when you made it big by being painted on vases, and your profile was chiseled onto stone walls.

"He looked black as night with his bare bow in his hands and his arrow on the string, glaring around as though ever on the point of taking aim. About his breast there was a wondrous golden belt adorned in the most marvelous fashion with bears, wild boars, and lions with gleaming eyes; there was also war, battle, and death...."

Homer, The Odyssey, Book XI

Impressive, erratic, given to extremes, crazy, dogged, and loyal. Capable of bumping a pretentious God off the sidewalk on his side of the street. For Hercules, Kryptonite had not been invented yet. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Cartoon - Just the Stock Market

When I woke up this morning, I had a weird feeling something was not right -- then I hear the world financial markets were crashing one after another like flaming catastrophic 1,000 foot tall dominos, spreading monetary and econometric chaos far and wide, shaking stalwart financial institutions into quivering lumps of quaking jelly, THEN all was well. Or at least, I joined the present moment and I was glad with the things I have at hand. I think I'm going to get out of town this weekend, and go to Lake Henshaw and hang out with a bunch of recovering alcoholics. The're always a fun bunch of kooks to meet. Take it easy today, and help out any way you can. Straight at them and never-mind the maneuvers! CM Evans Cartoons

And now for the translation for my pals in Macedonia:

Кога се разбудив утрово, имав чуден чувство нешто не е во право - тогаш слушам светските финансиски пазари се паѓа еден по друг како огнени катастрофални 1.000 метри висок dominos, ширење на монетарната и економетриски хаос далеку и широко, тресење здрав финансиски институции во треперат грутки на трепетлив желе, тогаш сите беше добро. Или барем, се приклучив на овој момент и ми беше мило со работи кои ги имам при рака. Мислам дека ќе одам да го напуштат градот, овој викенд, и да си одат до езерото Хеншоу и се закачам со еден куп за наплата на алкохоличари. The're секогаш забава куп kooks да се исполнат. Полека и денес, и помогне било кој начин можете да. Право во нив и никогаш не ги предвид маневри!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Cartoon - Hey Bartender

Ya gotta be sensitive and ask for things in the proper way, at the proper time. Ya know what I mean? Case in point: I know a fella who doesn't drink anymore, but gets along with the Irish in San Francisco, because he asks for his drinks in the right way. Every time he goes to the city, they all want to know when he'll be coming back. CM Evans Cartoons

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Cartoon - Everything Bobby + Translation Carnival!!

It is rare for me to draw a cartoon I do not remember. Here is one that slipped my mind, and I found it going through some old email temp files from about 5 years ago. If you're short, you're short -- but if you're monstrously tall, there ain't nothing you can do about it. Ask a tall friend about this. And now, I translate this into 3 other languages, you know -- like a Translation Carnival! CM Evans Cartoons


Il est rare pour moi de dessiner une caricature, je ne me souviens pas. Voici un qui a glissé mon esprit, et je l'ai trouvé en passant par quelques vieux dossiers Temp courriel d'environ 5 ans. Si vous êtes à court, vous êtes à court - mais si vous êtes monstrueusement grand, il n'est pas rien que vous puissiez faire à ce sujet. Demandez à un ami à propos de cette hauteur. Et maintenant, je traduire cela dans 3 autres langues. CM Dessins Evans


Es raro para mí dibujar una caricatura que no recuerdo. Aquí está uno que se me olvidó, y lo encontré pasando por los archivos temporales antiguos de correo electrónico desde hace unos 5 años. Si usted es corto, no tiene mucho - pero si usted es monstruosamente alto, no hay nada que puedas hacer al respecto. Pídale a un amigo sobre esta altura. Y ahora, me traduce esto en cuatro idiomas. CM Evans Dibujos animados


Rzadko mi się narysować rysunek nie pamiętam. Oto jeden, który spadł mój umysł, i znalazłem to przeżywa jakieś stare pliki tymczasowe e-mail od około 5 lat temu. Jeśli masz mało, masz mało - ale jeśli jesteś potwornie wysoka, nie ma nic nie możesz zrobić. Zadaj wysoki przyjaciela o tym. A teraz przełożyć to na 3 innych językach. CM Kreskówki Evans

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Cartoon - For the Louvre

I don't know about you, but the Louvre is after me, man -- all over me, and it is outrageous! Have you been harassed by the Louvre? Am I the only guy in the neighborhood with this problem? They call, call, call, text, fax, IM, call, call, call. And what do these folks want? What does the Institution of the Louvre want?? Another 'Grand Painting'. Another huge ocean of canvas, done in the heroic manner, like David. They say I can pick the subject matter. But rhetorically, I ask you -- does not the Louvre have enough majestic paintings like this? The Louvre knows how I feel. But still they persist in asking. No, not asking -- Pestering! Cajoling! Needling! All artists move on, in their creative cycles -- they may go from oils to tempera, or from red to blue. Work I was doing 10 years ago, I am not doing now. 10 Years ago was a lifetime -- then, if you asked me for a 20x60 of a massive turbulent seascape with a burning battleship, at sunset, the ship about to be sunk by a broadside, while at the same time colliding with an insane iceberg packed with a rabid army of 12th century vikings, it would be a pleasure for me. Digressing for a moment: I would say the image I gave, to be a bit 'over the top', but the point is I would do it & I would do it well. But now, I am different. Now it is Calder mobiles. How can I go back? CM Evans Cartoons

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

CM Evans Cartoons in Litro Magazine issue #109

Today I see I made the cut (and part of the cover!) for Litro Magazine's issue #109: The Comics and Graphic Fiction Edition. Litro is a monthly online/ print literary publication in the UK -- 100,000 copies are distributed around London and the UK, including in underground stations, libraries, galleries, bars and cafes. I've been a fan of Litro for some time, so to get included in an edition is a super bonus for me. Litro Magazine can be found here. Have a great day, enjoy! CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Cartoon - Where Is

Indeed -- where did he go? CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - I Like

Ya know, I don't get enough folks visiting this blog from the continent of Africa. There's something about Africa. I like Africa. I've never been to Africa. Africa is big. I've tried various ways to get African people to come to the blog, like emailing plumbers, tree-trimmers, schools, mechanics, Chinese food restaurants, and economic forums in countries like Burkina Faso, Comoros, Rwanda, and Zambia -- but I haven't heard back from them. I tried writing architects, dentists, and real-estate agents in Uganda, Swaziland, São Tomé and Príncipe, and Nigeria. I wonder if they got my email. If anyone reading this has a pal in Africa, and you think they might like cartoons, tell them I've been wanting to meet them for a long time. CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Cartoon - Camp WhoWho

When I was a little kid, I was able to go to a summer camp in Northern California for a bunch of years -- we slept out under the stars and did the nature thing. Crafts, hiking, backpacking, it was the best. Later, when I was in High School, I returned as a counselor at the same camp, and I did that for many summers as well. I think I had more fun being a counselor, than being a camper, because I felt like I was making a big difference in some of those kid's lives. And in some cases, I did make a big impression. Helping others, focusing on others needs, saved me from myself. You get out of your own head & set of judgments and preconceptions by helping others, and I find that it ain't too bad. CM Evans Cartoons

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Cartoon - Falling

Is this possible? I'm sure it has happened to someone. The insanity is made even funnier (in my opinion), because the surreal image is repeated above and below. The cartoon originally started out as an 'orphaned sketch' -- pictures I draw where there is no caption that readily comes to mind. I save these routinely, and they circulate through my piles of papers for years, until some of them get a tagline. If you rotate the cartoon, you will see this gag started out as a guy laying under a table, next to a chair. I flipped the drawing, saw him 'falling' and then added another table and chair, for the caption. And now I've told most of you way more than you ever wanted to know about how a cartoon turns out & the creative method. Anyways, Crazy Jim in Laguna Beach likes it. CM Evans Cartoons

Monday, August 22, 2011

Cartoon - Clam Bone Chowder

You know, when you're ordering clam chowder -- just about anything can be in it. CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Cartoon - What My Hammer is Thinking

How are ya? I don't normally inquire what inanimate objects are thinking, nor should you -- but in any case, my hammer and I have learned something valuable about caring about the things that happen in this world. The two-tone color scheme remains uncorrected, as well as the vertical orientation, because my scanner and retouching program need to work somehow together, in ways I expected, that appear to be no longer relevant. Which reminds me of a joke I heard recently that bears no relation to anything contained here: suffice to say, it was about Spain, the 1450s, religion, England, and shipping. CM Evans Cartoons

Sunday, August 14, 2011

CM Evans Cartoons - More Posts to Follow

Hello there, I was out of town and sometimes it feels like my scanner is connected to my computer by a cable that stretches to Mars and back -- so pardon the lack of updates. I know I'd go completely fucking bonkers if I had to look at "Tootsie Eggs", since July 14. I have many cartoons, and now that I'm back in front of my computer, look for updates again on a regular basis. Mom, Dad, Kettleman City, Wasco, Pozo, Napa, San Jose, 6 AM, Interstate 5, and the Moon over Fields in the Imperial Valley all send their regards. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Cartoon - Tootsie Eggs

Hmmmmm...I think that farmers around the world have other problems, more serious problems -- like rust, blight, hail, snow, drought, mechanical failure, and the like. Plus, here's something else to consider: Do you know how many wars started out in a framer's front pasturage? I won't tell you, but battles & farming collide violently throughout history. Go ask a farmer! When was the last time you bothered? Farmers know things!

I knew a fellow named Fred who grew up on a dairy, and he said the lifestyle is no fun, no fun at all. You have to get up every morning at 1 AM, then 3 AM, then 5 AM, then 7 AM to milk the cows, or their udders will explode. Plus the cows yell when the milk is about to come out. And now I'll go eat some yogurt and think about this. CM Evans Cartoons

Monday, July 11, 2011

Cartoon - Smiling and Laughing / Happy Birthday to Me

Years back, I was born on this day of July 11, and there's been much smiling and laughing. Flying saucers & whatnot come and go, but the relentless joking remains. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Cartoon - Fish Worship

Jim suggested, through Beth, "Fish worship is wrong..." Here you go. Happened to me last week, on Spring Lake. Barely got out alive.

Now, along these lines, what about the progression of the fingernail moon? It was above Santa Rosa and set in the west at about 9.40 PM. Then it was above San Francisco, and it set westwards at about 10.20 PM. The the moon was fatter, and looked like an orange bitten cookie over San Luis Obispo, and it set at 11 PM. Tonight, in Newport Beach, the Luna will look like a sideways Cheshire Cat grin.


Somehow I know this relates to hotdogs, hamburgers, and french-fries. CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Cartoon - Don't You Know

Hey Jim -- I'd probably be remembered as "Saint Fancypants the Aggrieved" if I made it that far, sainthood-wise. CM Evans Cartoons

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Cartoon - Old

When I was a kid I always wondered why my parents talked about stuff that happened before about 1975 all the time, but now that I'm going to be 44 and I have a 12-year-old daughter about to become a teenager and a 5-year-old son, I know why. Oldsters don't mean to keep the 'yung 'uns out of the conversation, and they really do care about you -- deeply we care about you kids. It is just the fact that a LOT OF SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. That reminds me of the time with the car that got stuck in the sand near Mono Lake, back in 1993 when I was dating this girl from Apple Computer. I remember, when we got stuck, she said, "Blah blah blah bla bla. Blah bla bla. Bla bla meep beep blah bla blah." Blah blah wonk wonk, wonk blah blob blob blob. And then we blah blah bha, by the blah bla bonk blob wonk wonk. And they said blaaaah wonk, -- wonk & wonk blah blah blah. And that was a fun time. Ba Ba blah blah blah, taxes, blah life, school. CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cartoon - Get Honest 1 & 2

Hello, I was dreaming last night about these words: 'Vardis Verbaessum'. When in doubt, search Google, but Google just does not know what to do with the words.

Or was it Vardis Verbaetin?

Google gives us Vardis Verbaeten, for Vardis Verbaetin. But all the search results for 'Vardis Verbaeten' are pages that go BA BA BA LA GA BLA GnA HR CH RC... and the next result pages seem to skate off into higher dimensions.


Wednesday, June 01, 2011


I read that DC Comics is unleashing a new universe of superheros, part of their strategy to become no.1 in all comic books/ comicbookdom -- and I knew exactly what they were getting at, so I sat down and I drew a few superguys myself. It turned out to be no trouble at all, coming up with these, I must be a natural at this kind of thing. I'm sure when I go to the DC Comics website and see their all new superhero lineup, my intrepid crime-fighters will fit perfectly -- irresistibly rounding out the forces fighting the increasing fight that should be fought, and fought hard.

I'll send them the sketches, rhetorically, I ask: How could a story of do-gooding and moral reconciliation NOT include the universal action concepts of "Captain Permananet Press", or "Boothead Cup of Tea"? CM EVANS CARTOONS

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Cartoon - I Was Lookin'

Hey -- June is just around the corner! And with all the bird songs and exploding green, with the world alive and pulsating in every rattling atom, I've learned after considerable experience that folks don't like it when I stare this way. Apparently, I don't always know what the face I have is doing. Can that be written the way it was written? Miss Calhoun, my old English Composition teacher from High school, would have jumped out the window if I turned this post in for a creative writing assignment. Actually, I was the kid pretending to jump out the window, in High School -- not because I was suicidal, but because it was so damn funny to pretend to hurl myself out the window. Now I'm very sober, tame and responsible seeming. Hup! CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Cartoon - Jack Mind

You can do this as much as you'd like, and nothing will happen -- and I'm not suggesting any Zen lesson to be learned. Or, if you do this all the time, something will happen, depending on how loaded you are. For Jack, right after the 25th hour of concentrating, he saw the bottle suddenly animate into a sword-wielding ninja who looked like Harry Potter, and the ninja chased Jack around the apartment and somehow Jack ended up on Main Beach totally naked with a shell in one hand and a joint in the other, with no lighter to be seen for miles. Then, police, police, police, and the sheriff. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Cartoon - Cough Needle

It isn't illegal, unethical, or immoral -- even suspect -- for the doctor to say things like, "We need to do some tests to check for ____________. The procedure will involve sticking some big needles in your ass cheeks and making them flex with an electric current to see which cheek flexes the least. Then we'll know the answer!"

It isn't like he is asking permission to light your hands on fire, or hit you in the head with a brick, right? Or throw you into a pool of electric eels, or blow a building up around you. Or seal you in a trunk full of broken glass & send you off Niagara Falls, or tie your body to the prow of a battleship and ram an iceberg.

Which reminds me of a dream I had last night. There was some kind of problem, and the solution for it was quite simple and sane:

1. Dress up like a banana
2. Eat bananas

If you have any problem you cannot solve, try those two steps. CM Evans Cartoons

Monday, May 16, 2011

Cartoon - Hippies for Sale

I had a dream last night that I was on an important Panel or Review Committee of Standards. I represented "Reality" -- or I was there as a real person, to answer questions by the dream people about what was considered to be "Real" vs "Unreal". Sitting on the committee were persons representing the Unconscious, and the Ego. We all got along quite well, and there was a large seating area, like an amphitheater, where participants could ask us questions. For instance, during the conversation, they'd ask me things like -- "Are intelligent locoweed dolphins with psychic abilities considered real?" And I'd respond, "No, intelligent locoweed dolphins with psychic abilities are not considered to be real." Or they'd ask me, "Are pulsating orange & yellow musical mountains made out of books, where thimble people weave baskets out of sunshine, naturally occurring?" and I could comfortably respond, "No, these kind of features are not naturally occurring." Many misconceptions were clarified during the session of the Review Committee of Standards. It proved to be so popular, in my dream, that it has been rescheduled to happen more often -- when again & where, I'll see in my dreams. CM Evans Cartoons

Friday, May 06, 2011

Cartoon - Nerd

It was great customer service to have the Tech guy come out and install the TV/ Satellite hookup with qaudraponic surround sound and immersible 3D simulated interface, with 1080i HDV sonic reflexiveness and an ultra-responsive multi-format wireless input tablet device, capable of sending directions to a wide variety of multimedia interfaces and devices, whether blue-tooth, digital, or analog -- coupled with 10,000 shows on-demand and a few thousand local, national, international & specialty channels, spooling online video content and up-to-the minute news flashes from as far away as Kabash, including weather, politics, social media, and anti-viral updates -- but the Tech guy won't leave, he says we are related through my great-grandfather's mother's side of the family, he's issued a few formal demands, and he has been back there for about two days now. CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Cartoon - More

Things go along. I had a dream about you last night -- we were sitting in a car, and I said I wanted to get cigarettes, and you said, "Why don't you wait for a snowy morning? Deals on cigarettes are best on a snowy morning." CM Evans Cartoons

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You Have a Cartoon Idea You'd Like to See Me Take a Crack At?

Heya! Thanks to all the people who have decided to follow this site. As I said in the post below -- I'm up to the challenge of cartooning on subjects you come up with. I've been having fun with my friend Jim, and he hasn't been able to stump me yet! If you want to try, comment cartoon ideas and if I think they're up to the challenge, I'll take them on. Plus, I'll send you a signed original, electronically, for yours and yours alone! More cartoons to follow!

Cartoon - Jim's Challenge -- Diving off an Emotional Cliff

I have a buddy, Jim, who has been challenging me to draw on any subject he comes up with. So far I have not been blocked. Here is one of them: Jim asked me to illustrate "Diving off an Emotional Cliff". The other cartoons Jim asked for on subjects like the fiscal policy of Greece over the last 200 years, corporations named "Schnurr", and brain eating demons -- I drew them, we'll save some of those for later.

Feel free to ask for your own special cartoons in the comments area, if I like it, I'll draw it and send it to you. Don't be shy! I'd love to be drawing some from my visitors from far away, where you are. CM Evans Cartoons

Monday, April 25, 2011

The USS Marshmallow

Serious American Civil War history buffs will tell you, the USS Marshmallow was the first Federal ship that the ironclad CSS Virginia (formerly the USS Merrimack) chose to engage, at the Battle of Hampton Roads, on May 8, 1862. In recently discovered log books, recovered from the submerged CSS Virgina, National Geographic historians have decoded the entry from Captain Catesby Robert Jones, deciding not continue to attack the USS Marshmallow when he realized he did not have any chocolate, or graham crackers. Jones noted he was crestfallen by this, because to route the USS Marshmallow "...would have been delicious." Resolutely, he turned the CSS Virginia towards the USS Cumberland, and the rest is the history you know from the school books. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Cartoon - Pirate Fairy Tales

I've been outlining a new book, tentatively titled "Captain Murder's Pirating for Swabs" which would be a sort of "pirating for dummies" type of thing -- narrated by Cap' "Mad-Dog" Murder and dictated to Milton Periwinkle, a kidnapped clerk who has been told to assist writing the book "proper" before he is killed or made to walk the plank. So far I have the idea, some of Mad-Dogs rantings, the clerks replies to reform it into understandable terminology for a dummy, and some rude drawings of treasure maps. Arrrrrgh! Here's a cartoon of a similar theme. CM EVANS CARTOONS

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Cartoon - Lawn Fire

I'm back to writing about real things that happen in my life. Why is it that the Universe is designed for all kinds of unpredictable mayhem to occur the minute you're all by yourself, and you have no plausible excuse for the disasters that happen at that precise time? How do I get in trouble doing the simplest things, like watering a neighbors lawn when they are on vacation? CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Cartoon - Captain Nemo

I used to think I had to be creative to foster interest in what I write, but I'm the kind of person who goes out expecting to have a hum-drum day, but then I'll see someone who looks like Captain Nemo disguised as a banker when I'm depositing a few checks a Wells Fargo. I'll be cool and go home and think about it all day -- here is a drawing of him. CM EVANS CARTOONS

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Cartoon - Around Here

So how do you like your steak? Rare? With the horn? CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

BM - Hide

How are you doing today? I'm fine. Someone write a phone number of the windshield of my car, I noticed it this morning when I was driving somewhere at 6 AM, you could just barely make out all the numbers when the glass got totally fogged and you ran the wipers -- but only for a few seconds, so of course I almost drove off the road several times trying to read it. The numbers look to have been written by a female's hand, I don't know what to make of it. Now the numbers are gone. Mysterious things like this have been happening to me all the time, and ironically I seldom have the presence of mind to fully heed them or record them properly, before they vanish like the ephemera they are. So if you are the beautiful lady who wrote on my window, thanks, and I love you right back. CM Evans Cartoons

Friday, April 08, 2011

Cartoon - Offensive

Politically, I only get mad at any party when they decide to spend my money and expect me to be thankful they know so much better than I do about spending it on things like Civil War Reenactment groups, Memorials to Agricultural Products, Nocturnal Spoon Shining Conventions, and Building Luxury Shitters on the Top of Rarely Visited Mountain Peaks. So I get frustrated at Democrats, Republicans, Left, Right, Center, Tea-Partiers, etc. Coincidentally, I hear the US Federal Government will undergoing a partial shut down if someone doesn't do something, but quite frankly -- I'd be relieved for the Government to be shut down like I'd be satisfied for a drunk idiot with a weed-eater getting locked up for 48 hours after the fella chopped holes all over my yard, while drinking all my beer. Which is what the US Government does to lots of folks irregardless, in a sense, so it must be that the US Government will be temporarily shut down for a few hours or over the weekend when most of 'em wouldn't be doing much but punch the clock. Oh well.

My sympathy though to the Military and to Federal Employees in the USPS. Some of the best people I know are Veterans and Mail Carriers! CM Evans Cartoons

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Cartoon - Big Flat

TVs are so big these days, so big & so flat -- I am sure it is a good thing, otherwise why would they be the way that they are? And the image definition is out of this world! I can see all the stupid stuff that was happening before, much clearer and crisper now. I'm gaining a new appreciation of the sheer depth and clarity of idiocy electronically transmitted to my room. I'm learning so much. I don't know if I can do anything constructive with it, but if saving the world requires me to become a fire breathing homicidal reptilian wig wearing left/right hardcore pawnstar pornstar real-housewife NASCAR sci-fi drag-queen hooker tank commander frequent flier with a credit card, I'm good to go. CM Evans Cartoons

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Cartoon - 3D TV

On the day before April 1, we need to seriously switch gears, here's a list:

- I'll take 3-D TV if you promise me I never have to smell what I see.

- If people ever live on the surface of the Sun, ice cubes there will be fantastically expensive.

- The word "Stupid" showed up in the English language around 1540. It came from France, and what a hell of a nice word to get from French.

- You can stick your elbow in your ear. You can. Trust me. Go ahead & try.

- This fact was a nasty fact, so I have a placeholder here now. Never mind.

Now go make some stuff up and pass it off as an expert. Get ready for April 1. Don't get fooled.