If You Read Only 5 Books in 2019 ...

Scoot: Whaaat? ... (typing) ... That'll do, pig.

More Scientific Results

I Live in a Harbinger Household Which Means Everything We Do is Basically Crap

“Just give him some wood, and he’ll build you a cabinet.” — Mike D https://twitter.com/Acanthotelson

I'm All Set to Throw Myself Under the Bus

Fact of the day: The Tiger-Lilly (Cepoliocillios Momentous Granguili) is actually a tessiopod, rather than a fruit bearing flower. 

Well if it isn't irrelevant ...

Scoot: I can't believe all the management style crap I have to do today.

Pops: Uh huh.

In My Workout I am Dragging a Ham

Scoot: No iron core! Pops!
Pops: He's in full-blown panic mode.
Dabs: I don't remember it working that way.
Scoot: Weird gain issues?
Eels: That could have been what was happening to me. It was insulting me personally. I swear.
Pops: Could have been?
Scott: (To Eels) Not unless your name is 'weird gain issues'!
Eels: Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Coffee is Not Made Out of Coffee

TUESDAY 10:46 AM

Dane: (Speaking rapidly) It was the same, it was the large one. It was... two.
Scoot: Oh my GOD! He replied, "It wasn't the hundred foot one, it was the one with the lumps."

LATER

Scoot: It is the same audio one?
Merk: They say they always had one.
Scoot: That sounds optiplexy to me. And .. uh. Hallway. Jeb.
Stella: Sure, what. I'm not going to be sleeping on a plane.
Scoot: I heard you were very good at your job, sober.
Stella: ???

There Was Context

Automatic dog watering and shamanistic cat psychology is the next hot area of product development. 

If You Err on the Side of Safety

"If you touch a Leprechaun with the handle of a used toilet plunger, they will explode like a hand-grenade. I guess you shouldn't be doing this, unless you are wearing a bomb disposal outfit." -- Henry David Thoreau

I Thought if I Planned All Day Today for Tomorrow Things Would Go More Smoothly the Next Day …

He said it was an ‘ironic idiom’, and I thought that was the kind of stingy stuff you put on a cut.

I Wanted to Figure This Out Yesterday

there nothing i can do

and everything i can do

it makes as much sense

as if something could be

Be Careful What You Wish For

in praise of this day

and all days before you

anything concerning

just like a temporary veil

passing before us

only for a moment

I Tried to Figure Out Life

What does it mean when you dream about spoons? 

I Looked Inside

11: 19 AM CST

Scoot: This is the data on line one.
Paddy: Excellent!
Serena: I don't have a recording of the guy going "Ah HA!" ... that was really funny.
Scoot: Alright, I'll be back in a moment to make sure Jaff and I have an understanding of what we are saying.
Serena: Good!

LATER

Scoot: What is going on today? Chrome locked up.
Paddy: Control ALT Escape. And if that doesn't work, your system is really taxed.
Scoot: Wow!
Paddy: Patience!
Scoot: No problem, I know. I'm good! Woah!

Online Online Online Online

a) If you get a parking ticket, is the ticket actually coming from Bruce Lee? I mean, we're talking
omnipotence, if Bruce Lee exists, and therefore the ticket is part of the big plan. 

b) If you get a parking ticket, is the ticket actually coming from Amazon.com? I mean, we're talking
omnipotence, if Amazon.com exists, and therefore the ticket is part of the big plan. 

c) If you get a 'my little pony' ticket, is the ticket actually coming from Bruce Lee, via Amazon.com? I mean, we're talking omnipotence, if Bruce Lee, via Amazon.com exists, and therefore the 'my little pony' ticket is part of the big plan.

https://twitter.com/Acanthotelson

I Like People Who Look Forward to Looking Forward to Things

I had a dream I was helping Boris Johnson and Bertrand Russell reconcile. They'd been almost inseparable since childhood, but due to a few harmless gaffes, not to be blamed completely on either -- they felt very much at odd with each other. I was able to take Boris, then Bertrand down to the ocean from the hotel we were staying in, and I'd show them the sand, the stones, and how the water reflected on my viewing box for tide-pools. They'd get interested in how the box worked and admiring nature, so when they saw each other later they forgave and off they went on some other merry expedition. I was glad and sad when I saw them go off, I knew they'd forget about me, but I knew repairing their friendship was more important. 

Shy

I though the Bee Gees opened a car muffler repair shop after they got famous, but I was wrong. I'm mistaken about a lot of things. I thought the Catholic Church was a subsidiary of General Motors, and all the nuns and priests got a discount for any car that GM built, except for the sporty models.

What is Updog?

There's plenty of chairs, and people should buy more of them. It is hard to fight if you have your feet up and are relaxed, with a nice book or cup of Joe. How many wars were started with people sitting down? Zero. 

SAY HELLO TO ANIMALS

Fluke of a Fluke of a Fluke

It Cannot Be Explained

They Told a Fairy Tale of Unicorns Wondrous Magical and Inside Every Unicorn Was a Vast Pit of Burning Money.

Now is the Time to Stop Worrying and Time to Start Doing Things Randomly, Like Praising all of Creation, Handing out Pinwheels, or Going 100 Miles in any Direction Just to Say “Hello”

The Crux of the Crux

Home made

Crab Rangoon

Ain't Got No Humpty

Wild and Unimaginable

Thank You That Is all the Detail I Needed

Fog. Foghead.

Bucket. Bucker.

A Muffin is a 'Red Hot' Oven Dump

Three Perfect Boards

Roast Beef Says You Are Awesome

Another Calm Day at the Laboratory that Invented the Laboratory

Ever Since I Quit Mime School

Sorry About the Mean Texts

I Do Feel Superior

Hamburgers by a Shallow Grave

Keep Up the Good Work

I Was Big into Cryptocurrency

I'm an Optimist Because

Now What Do I Do?

Crepes 5000 Days in a Row

My Sandwich

The Month of June Says You Are a Liar

If Someone Says They Are Going To Lemming

Tinder Date Put Mustard On My Neck ...

If Life

If You Laugh