Cartoon - I Was Lookin'

Hey -- June is just around the corner! And with all the bird songs and exploding green, with the world alive and pulsating in every rattling atom, I've learned after considerable experience that folks don't like it when I stare this way. Apparently, I don't always know what the face I have is doing. Can that be written the way it was written? Miss Calhoun, my old English Composition teacher from High school, would have jumped out the window if I turned this post in for a creative writing assignment. Actually, I was the kid pretending to jump out the window, in High School -- not because I was suicidal, but because it was so damn funny to pretend to hurl myself out the window. Now I'm very sober, tame and responsible seeming. Hup! CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Jack Mind

You can do this as much as you'd like, and nothing will happen -- and I'm not suggesting any Zen lesson to be learned. Or, if you do this all the time, something will happen, depending on how loaded you are. For Jack, right after the 25th hour of concentrating, he saw the bottle suddenly animate into a sword-wielding ninja who looked like Harry Potter, and the ninja chased Jack around the apartment and somehow Jack ended up on Main Beach totally naked with a shell in one hand and a joint in the other, with no lighter to be seen for miles. Then, police, police, police, and the sheriff. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Cough Needle

It isn't illegal, unethical, or immoral -- even suspect -- for the doctor to say things like, "We need to do some tests to check for ____________. The procedure will involve sticking some big needles in your ass cheeks and making them flex with an electric current to see which cheek flexes the least. Then we'll know the answer!"

It isn't like he is asking permission to light your hands on fire, or hit you in the head with a brick, right? Or throw you into a pool of electric eels, or blow a building up around you. Or seal you in a trunk full of broken glass & send you off Niagara Falls, or tie your body to the prow of a battleship and ram an iceberg.

Which reminds me of a dream I had last night. There was some kind of problem, and the solution for it was quite simple and sane:

1. Dress up like a banana
2. Eat bananas

If you have any problem you cannot solve, try those two steps. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Hippies for Sale

I had a dream last night that I was on an important Panel or Review Committee of Standards. I represented "Reality" -- or I was there as a real person, to answer questions by the dream people about what was considered to be "Real" vs "Unreal". Sitting on the committee were persons representing the Unconscious, and the Ego. We all got along quite well, and there was a large seating area, like an amphitheater, where participants could ask us questions. For instance, during the conversation, they'd ask me things like -- "Are intelligent locoweed dolphins with psychic abilities considered real?" And I'd respond, "No, intelligent locoweed dolphins with psychic abilities are not considered to be real." Or they'd ask me, "Are pulsating orange & yellow musical mountains made out of books, where thimble people weave baskets out of sunshine, naturally occurring?" and I could comfortably respond, "No, these kind of features are not naturally occurring." Many misconceptions were clarified during the session of the Review Committee of Standards. It proved to be so popular, in my dream, that it has been rescheduled to happen more often -- when again & where, I'll see in my dreams. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Nerd

It was great customer service to have the Tech guy come out and install the TV/ Satellite hookup with qaudraponic surround sound and immersible 3D simulated interface, with 1080i HDV sonic reflexiveness and an ultra-responsive multi-format wireless input tablet device, capable of sending directions to a wide variety of multimedia interfaces and devices, whether blue-tooth, digital, or analog -- coupled with 10,000 shows on-demand and a few thousand local, national, international & specialty channels, spooling online video content and up-to-the minute news flashes from as far away as Kabash, including weather, politics, social media, and anti-viral updates -- but the Tech guy won't leave, he says we are related through my great-grandfather's mother's side of the family, he's issued a few formal demands, and he has been back there for about two days now. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - More

Things go along. I had a dream about you last night -- we were sitting in a car, and I said I wanted to get cigarettes, and you said, "Why don't you wait for a snowy morning? Deals on cigarettes are best on a snowy morning." CM Evans Cartoons

You Have a Cartoon Idea You'd Like to See Me Take a Crack At?

Heya! Thanks to all the people who have decided to follow this site. As I said in the post below -- I'm up to the challenge of cartooning on subjects you come up with. I've been having fun with my friend Jim, and he hasn't been able to stump me yet! If you want to try, comment cartoon ideas and if I think they're up to the challenge, I'll take them on. Plus, I'll send you a signed original, electronically, for yours and yours alone! More cartoons to follow!

Cartoon - Jim's Challenge -- Diving off an Emotional Cliff

I have a buddy, Jim, who has been challenging me to draw on any subject he comes up with. So far I have not been blocked. Here is one of them: Jim asked me to illustrate "Diving off an Emotional Cliff". The other cartoons Jim asked for on subjects like the fiscal policy of Greece over the last 200 years, corporations named "Schnurr", and brain eating demons -- I drew them, we'll save some of those for later.

Feel free to ask for your own special cartoons in the comments area, if I like it, I'll draw it and send it to you. Don't be shy! I'd love to be drawing some from my visitors from far away, where you are. CM Evans Cartoons

The USS Marshmallow

Serious American Civil War history buffs will tell you, the USS Marshmallow was the first Federal ship that the ironclad CSS Virginia (formerly the USS Merrimack) chose to engage, at the Battle of Hampton Roads, on May 8, 1862. In recently discovered log books, recovered from the submerged CSS Virgina, National Geographic historians have decoded the entry from Captain Catesby Robert Jones, deciding not continue to attack the USS Marshmallow when he realized he did not have any chocolate, or graham crackers. Jones noted he was crestfallen by this, because to route the USS Marshmallow "...would have been delicious." Resolutely, he turned the CSS Virginia towards the USS Cumberland, and the rest is the history you know from the school books. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Pirate Fairy Tales

I've been outlining a new book, tentatively titled "Captain Murder's Pirating for Swabs" which would be a sort of "pirating for dummies" type of thing -- narrated by Cap' "Mad-Dog" Murder and dictated to Milton Periwinkle, a kidnapped clerk who has been told to assist writing the book "proper" before he is killed or made to walk the plank. So far I have the idea, some of Mad-Dogs rantings, the clerks replies to reform it into understandable terminology for a dummy, and some rude drawings of treasure maps. Arrrrrgh! Here's a cartoon of a similar theme. CM EVANS CARTOONS

Cartoon - Lawn Fire

I'm back to writing about real things that happen in my life. Why is it that the Universe is designed for all kinds of unpredictable mayhem to occur the minute you're all by yourself, and you have no plausible excuse for the disasters that happen at that precise time? How do I get in trouble doing the simplest things, like watering a neighbors lawn when they are on vacation? CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Captain Nemo

I used to think I had to be creative to foster interest in what I write, but I'm the kind of person who goes out expecting to have a hum-drum day, but then I'll see someone who looks like Captain Nemo disguised as a banker when I'm depositing a few checks a Wells Fargo. I'll be cool and go home and think about it all day -- here is a drawing of him. CM EVANS CARTOONS

Cartoon - Around Here

So how do you like your steak? Rare? With the horn? CM Evans Cartoons

BM - Hide

How are you doing today? I'm fine. Someone write a phone number of the windshield of my car, I noticed it this morning when I was driving somewhere at 6 AM, you could just barely make out all the numbers when the glass got totally fogged and you ran the wipers -- but only for a few seconds, so of course I almost drove off the road several times trying to read it. The numbers look to have been written by a female's hand, I don't know what to make of it. Now the numbers are gone. Mysterious things like this have been happening to me all the time, and ironically I seldom have the presence of mind to fully heed them or record them properly, before they vanish like the ephemera they are. So if you are the beautiful lady who wrote on my window, thanks, and I love you right back. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Offensive

Politically, I only get mad at any party when they decide to spend my money and expect me to be thankful they know so much better than I do about spending it on things like Civil War Reenactment groups, Memorials to Agricultural Products, Nocturnal Spoon Shining Conventions, and Building Luxury Shitters on the Top of Rarely Visited Mountain Peaks. So I get frustrated at Democrats, Republicans, Left, Right, Center, Tea-Partiers, etc. Coincidentally, I hear the US Federal Government will undergoing a partial shut down if someone doesn't do something, but quite frankly -- I'd be relieved for the Government to be shut down like I'd be satisfied for a drunk idiot with a weed-eater getting locked up for 48 hours after the fella chopped holes all over my yard, while drinking all my beer. Which is what the US Government does to lots of folks irregardless, in a sense, so it must be that the US Government will be temporarily shut down for a few hours or over the weekend when most of 'em wouldn't be doing much but punch the clock. Oh well.

My sympathy though to the Military and to Federal Employees in the USPS. Some of the best people I know are Veterans and Mail Carriers! CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - Big Flat

TVs are so big these days, so big & so flat -- I am sure it is a good thing, otherwise why would they be the way that they are? And the image definition is out of this world! I can see all the stupid stuff that was happening before, much clearer and crisper now. I'm gaining a new appreciation of the sheer depth and clarity of idiocy electronically transmitted to my room. I'm learning so much. I don't know if I can do anything constructive with it, but if saving the world requires me to become a fire breathing homicidal reptilian wig wearing left/right hardcore pawnstar pornstar real-housewife NASCAR sci-fi drag-queen hooker tank commander frequent flier with a credit card, I'm good to go. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - 3D TV

On the day before April 1, we need to seriously switch gears, here's a list:

- I'll take 3-D TV if you promise me I never have to smell what I see.

- If people ever live on the surface of the Sun, ice cubes there will be fantastically expensive.

- The word "Stupid" showed up in the English language around 1540. It came from France, and what a hell of a nice word to get from French.

- You can stick your elbow in your ear. You can. Trust me. Go ahead & try.

- This fact was a nasty fact, so I have a placeholder here now. Never mind.

Now go make some stuff up and pass it off as an expert. Get ready for April 1. Don't get fooled.

CM EVANS CARTOONS

Cartoon - If You Asked

I've gotten some fine fashion tips from various unnamed sources. CM Evans Cartoons

Cartoon - The Gift of Automatic/ A Ajándéka Automatikus

No longer do I languish in shame, for those formerly baffling occasions when I am suddenly in the presence of my friends and loved-ones, or people expecting a sentimental gift & me being unable to comply. No -- I rip off one of these, with a series of furious flourishes, signed & dated, and the room goes still. Lack of paper or pen will not hold me back -- I've created Gift with table cloths, condiments, pepper and salt, even food, if need be. Free yourselves! Live! Or, as Google translate automatically will say:

Nicht mehr ich mich in Scham schmachten, für die früher rätselhaft Gelegenheiten, wenn ich plötzlich in der Gegenwart von meinen Freunden und Angehörigen oder Menschen erwarten eine sentimentale Geschenk & mich nicht in der Lage zu erfüllen bin. Nein - ich rip off einer von diesen, mit einer Reihe von wütenden gedeiht, signiert & datiert, und das Zimmer geht noch. Mangelnde Papier oder Stift nicht halten mich zurück - ich habe Geschenk mit Tischdecken, Gewürze, Pfeffer und Salz, auch Lebensmittel erstellt, falls erforderlich. Befreit euch!

Я уже не томятся в стыд, для тех, кто ранее озадачивает случаи, когда я вдруг в присутствии моих друзей и любимых, в них, или люди ожидали сентиментальный подарок и я, будучи не в состоянии выполнить. Нет - сорвать один из них, с серией яростных процветает, подписанное и датированное и номер идет еще. Отсутствие бумаги или перо не будет проводить меня обратно - я создал Подарок с скатерти, приправы, перец и соль, даже продукты питания, в случае необходимости. Бесплатные сами!

Hindi na ako nanghihina sa kahihiyan, para sa mga dating mahirap okasyon kapag ako bigla sa harapan ng aking mga kaibigan at mahal-bata, o tao na umaasang isang sentimental na regalo sa akin & sa pagiging hindi upang sumunod. Walang - ko rip off ang isa sa mga ito, na may isang serye ng mga galit na galit match ang nagaganap, sign & petsahan, at ang kuwarto napupunta pa rin. Kakulangan ng papel o panulat ay hindi hold ako sa likod - ko na nilikha ng Gift sa cloths table, condiments, paminta at asin, kahit na pagkain, kung kailangan. Free ang inyong sarili!

CM EVANS CARTOONS

Cartoon - Fabelhafte Boot

Not to spring history on you, but the Schrönhorn Museum of Footware -- what can I say? Regards this: the Fabelhafte Boot. Who knew of such interesting facts -- the people, the personalities, the adventures. Our guide, Herr Blockingstoke, persuaded us to spend an afternoon there in the winter of 1995, as part of our tour of the haunted alpine landscapes of Mt. Stampede. Though we ended up lost two days and nights at the falls, almost frozen to death, I still look back at that time with fondness. CM Evans Cartoons